


i don't need memories (こころが苦しくなるだけだと)

by algebraicmutiny



Series: the gays, calamari edition [4]
Category: Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Sort Of, Unrequited Love, fluff first then angst, no happy ending, sorry :(
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-22
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-07-01 06:46:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15768750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/algebraicmutiny/pseuds/algebraicmutiny
Summary: "Things rarely turn out the way one expects them to, but they are only ten. They know that kissing means you love someone, so Kanan lets Mari press butterflies across her face."(they only make my heart hurt)





	i don't need memories (こころが苦しくなるだけだと)

"No," she says. Kanan feels her heart break into a million tiny pieces.

* * *

They are only ten, but they know that kissing means that you love someone. They trade soft pecks on the cheeks whenever they can, falling into each other and laughing at the sky. Mari picks flowers and tucks them into Kanan's hair. Kanan carries Mari on her back and lets her. There isn't a lot that they have to think about.

"I want to be with you forever," Mari declares, and Kanan shuffles her a little higher, arms draped around her shoulders and golden hair brushing her cheeks. "I'll never leave you!"

"Yeah?" Kanan asks, smiling quietly. "Promise?"

"Promise!" Mari declares, with all the confidence of a child who hasn't seen the world past her backyard. "I'll never let you go."

Things rarely turn out the way one expects them to, but they are only ten. They know that kissing means you love someone, so Kanan lets Mari press butterflies across her face.

* * *

They are fifteen and they are fighting, because they love each other. There are harsh words ("What would you know about the future? You're so caught up in yourself that you can't see where you're putting your own feet!") followed by hollow apologies ("I'm sorry. I love you.") that echo in the silence of empty hearts ("Not right now, you don't."). There is so much to think about.

"I said we'd be together forever," Mari whispers, voice raw from crying and tear tracks painting her face in misery. Her hair is plastered to her skull from the rain. "I said I'd never leave you. I promised."

"Things change." Kanan's voice is cold and hard, her emotions betrayed by the redness of her eyes and the shaking of her hands, damp, dull hair hanging limp around her shoulders. "We aren't children anymore."

"Then why are we acting like we are!" It's not a question but an exclamation, outrage and heartbreak pouring from Mari's chapped lips as she falls to her knees. "I love you. I love you. Why are we fighting." 

Kanan tips her head back and looks at the sky, slipping her hands into her pockets. "You deserve better."

"I don't want better! I want you!" Mari is crying again, heaving sobs and hiccupping her pain into the crook of her elbow. "You love me! You said so!"

"No," Kanan says dully. "Not right now, I don't."

Mari watches Kanan walk away. It really is the worst thing that's ever happened to her in her short life.

Things rarely turn out the way one expects them to. Mari limps home in the rain, because there is nothing else she can do.

She leaves the next morning and feels her heart being wrenched away from her when sees Kanan on the pier, clutching it to her own. Life is cruel, like that.

* * *

 

They are eighteen and they know that kissing means that you love someone, so they don't. Kanan bites at Mari's collarbones to feel her writhing underneath her and thinks that it could be enough (it isn't).

They sleep together, but they don't sleep together. Mari leaves before the sun rises, buttoning up her shirt to conceal the bruises blooming on her chest like flowers, and Kanan drinks herself stupid afterwards, every time. She feels like she could be drowning, but she says nothing, because they aren't in love. They aren't in love.

Kanan sees Mari flirting with the other girls, batting her eyelashes at Chika, wrapping an arm around You and buying Riko those fem-slash comics she likes. It makes her angry. Dia looks on worriedly, flicking her eyes between them, but there is nothing she can do. There is nothing any of them can do. Mari conceals herself behind bright smiles and calculating gazes. She knows more than she would ever let on-- that much, Kanan can tell.

Kanan knows a lot, but she doesn't let herself think about it. They aren't in love. They aren't in love.

* * *

 

"I think we should talk," Kanan says. "About this. About us. I think you should stay, this time."

Mari shakes her head.

"No," she says. Kanan feels her heart break into a million tiny pieces.

They aren't in love.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> im back on my bullshit


End file.
